Letters of a Lover
by Kelly76
Summary: What if Ryan couldn't get past his memories of Marissa after her dead? Definitely R/M, but not fluffy at all
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is something that I have started to write a long time ago. Just to clear things up:**

**For me, the O.C. ended with their last talk at the model home.**

**"Are you saying it's over? You never know, right?"**

**"I'm sorry for all the crazyness"**

**"I wouldn't have done it any different way...except maybe Oliver"**

**Marissa laughs that cute little laugh "Me too" and they share that super cute smile. *The End***

**So, I cut the end of that episode off at that point and stopped taping it. ****Because it would've been such a great ending for the show...**

**I refused to watch Ryan hooking up with that stupid ... (Yeah okay, I'm still not really over it by now LOL) but I had a friend of mine telling me about Summer/Seth and Kirsten/Sandy ;) I hated Taylor with a passion, even before Ryan turned to her in Season 4, but of course that's just my opinion. That said there won't be any Taylor bashing in that story, she's mentioned just shortly without any judgement.  
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**Anyway. After that I always thought about what could've happened if Marissa DID die but instead of forgetting about her after what felt to me like 5 minutes, Ryan couldn't let go? So here's the outcome.

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Dear Marissa,

it's been 5 fucking months and I miss you more every day you're not here with me. A lot of people probably would think that I'm crazy because I've been writing you these stupid letters every day for the last months but to tell the truth, it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I know that everybody around me says that I just don't want to let go but I can still feel your skin under my fingers, taste your lips on mine, smell the scent of your hair and see your eyes every single second of the day. The Cohens try to get me back 'home' and they don't understand that I can't feel at home anywhere anymore because you're not with me. And I definitely can't be in the poolhouse where we spent so much time together, where everything reminds me of you. It's better living here in that seedy bar although I know that you would hate it and think that I'm crazy. The Cohens try to act as if nothing has happened, try to reassure me that everything will get better, get back to normal some day.

The only one who isn't pulling that stunt is your mom. Don't laugh, but she's the only one who seems to understand what I'm feeling. She doesn't even try, unlike all the others, to hide the truth that nothing will ever be normal again. We actually get along, did you ever think that day would come? The day when your mother wouldn't fight me but calls me just to talk? I think that she lost the will to live and maybe she wishes that she would've died with you that fateful day 5 months ago like I do every day. I know that you wouldn't want me to say that, but it's the truth. I wish I would've died with you. There you go, I finally told you what I'm feeling. You died without knowing what you really mean to me. I always wanted to tell you so much, tell you how much I love you, how grateful I am for every minute I was allowed to spend with you and how sorry I am for every minute you were hurting because of me. But I never said anything, just assumed that one day I could tell you those things. I thought that we'd go to college together and without the Newport-crap surrounding us we would get back together and that one day we could be married, living somewhere else. THAT is something I would've never told you (or anyone else for that matter) but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. In fact, for me nothing matters anymore.

You know that I'm cagefighting and every night I pray that I get beat up, just to feel another sort of pain. But nothing helps. The "good" pain, the one that shoots through my body when I get punched or kicked, never stays long enough and shortly later, the "bad" pain comes back, losing you present again. It's so hard to deal with the pain of losing you. Getting up, getting dressed, just living is pure pain. I force a smile on my face when I see our friends but I just wish they'd let me alone. Let me alone to think about you, look at your pictures, cry over you, even talk to you when nobody can hear me. I'd like to think that you sort of watch down on me, that you're still a part of my life.

Can you remember the day I came by your house to tell you that I wouldn't be at the debut? I was so nervous that my hands were shaking and of course trying to close the zipper of your dress didn't help to calm me down either. I'm sure that you already knew back then that I had fallen head over heels for you because you had that knowing smile that only made my heart-beat speed up even more. The desire to touch you was hard to resist, let me tell you that. I'm glad that I was there that night, though. Because I will never forget the way you looked in that white dress. Later, when I thought about our future, I always imagined you wearing a similiar dress and looking like that on our wedding day.

Well, looks like our future is different to what I imagined it, cause all I have left now is my loneliness and the memories of you.

And the worst is that we weren't even together on your last day with me. I feel like I have no right to miss you so much. And I feel guilty because I know that the accident and your death is my fault, too. Like always when we had problems I ran away instead of facing them and because I turned to Sadie, a girl who could NEVER mean anything to me, you turned to Volchok. And even after Sadie had left my pride stopped me and I just couldn't tell you my true feelings. And that's why you decided to join your dad on his boat. If I would've just told you how much I've always loved you, you would be here with me now. I always knew that the lack of communication was our biggest problem and the reason why we broke up again and again. And I also knew that it was my fault that we weren't communicating more but never in a million years had I thought that it would cause your death. I know that I'll never forgive myself for that...

Forever Yours, Ryan


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Ryan will be telling Marissa what happened through letters until he gets a hand on Volchok and you know that he found him on the third episode. This chapter is about episode 1. I haven't watched episodes 1-3 but I read about them and looked up Ryan Clips on Youtube. No Taylor for me LOL**

**For the record, I never thought that the Cohen's life was better without Ryan, but knowing him always feeling guilty for everything, he probably would have thought that. So it's his thoughts not mine. And I'm not sure if anybody else was bothered by him throwing the pictures of him and Marissa away, but I found a way to make it better for me, to explain it to myself. And I made up him having a picture of them always with him;)**

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Dear Marissa,

Today Seth and Sandy tried to talk to me. They talked and talked until I promised to come by for dinner although I knew that I wouldn't. I know that it's not fair to shut them out and I know that they are worried about me but why can't they just leave me alone? Don't they get it? Can't they understand or don't they want to? I couldn't even walk up the driveway without thinking of you and the day we first met. How on earth should I be able to stay in that house or sleep in the poolhouse? Everything there reminds me of you and I bet that your smell is still lingering on my pillows. And besides, the Cohen's are better off without me. I mean, I have caused problems on and on. It started with my real mother that stayed only for a few days and crashed Kirsten's charity-dinner and then there was Trey, who stole that stupid egg of the charity-auction and think about all of Kirsten's friends that stopped talking to her because of me. I know what you would say now: they aren't her friends and they have never been. And maybe you're right. But nevertheless one thing is sure: before I moved into the Cohen's house, their life was easier.

But of course when I wasn't coming for dinner Seth came to the bar again, once again trying to talk to me and I have to admit that I feel guilty about the way I have acted. I shouldn't have been so rude. And that's part of why I chickened out, why I left the bar without talking to Sandy when he came by later. I knew that he wouldn't understand the way I'm acting and I don't want to hurt his feeling like I hurt Seth's.

Instead I called your mom and when I met her at the motel she wanted to give me the file about Volchok and I told her that it doesn't matter anymore and that I don't want to have it. And then I just left and that's another thing to feel guilty about and I hate it. I know that I'm the only one your mom is talking to (who would have thought that a few month ago, huh?) and I shouldn't have left like that.

And then it finally hit me. Everyday I wish that I would be with you again, that I would've died with you. So why not take matters in my own hand? I know that I'll have something to do first though. I know that you wouldn't approve and you probably wouldn't want me to even think about ending everything but you're not here and I'm not as strong as everybody thinks. Do you wanna know what I did as soon as I was back in my room at the bar? I threw the pictures of you and of us together in the bin. It hurt me so badly to do that, but now that I know that I will be with you soon I just HAD to throw them away. I'm not sure if anybody can understand why I did it but I know that you WILL understand. You know that I didn't do it to get you out of my mind, that that's not even possible. But they were mine and I don't want anybody else to have them after I'm finally with you. They are our history and they belong to us. And that one picture of us together that I have in my wallet will stay with me forever.

Shortly later Summer came and I realized that I hurt the people that were always good to me, the family that gave me a home. That's why I decided to put on an act. I left the bar with Summer and when we were at the comic store and Seth showed me the comic strip he made about the Cohens and me I really was touched. The only thing that was bothering me about it was that it made one thing clear for me once again: YOU were my family, at least the biggest part of it. I'll always be thankful that Sandy and Kirsten gave me a home and for me they'll always be my parents and Seth my brother. But do you remember the day when I wanted to leave Newport with the boat of Johnny's uncle? You accused me of being a coward and when I came to the diner I told you "I don't know where my future is but I know that it's with you". And that's the truth. Without you there's simply nothing of my future left. I'm haunted by my memories and still, I enjoy them and they are all that is left of you. I kind of dive into them and sometimes I can feel like you're still here and even if sometimes it's for only a few seconds, I love it. Yesterday I remembered the night of Holly's Party and the way you smiled at me when you took my drink away. You asked me what I thought about Newport and I said 'I think I can get in less trouble where I'm from' and then you gave me that smile that made my heart flip and said 'You have no idea'. Thinking about that still brings a smile to my face but looking back I probably was right. And I also remembered the night we spent at the model home sitting by the pool and talking. Believe me, I have often asked myself what could've been if I hadn't sent you away when you came back to me later that night. But I'm sure that it was better that way, because when we finally made love for the first time, it was even more special. Of course I had girls before but that night with you I felt like it was my first time, too. Because I have never loved the girl I had in my arms. I hope that you knew that it was different with you. Strangely enough, making love to you isn't the remembrance I'm thinking about the most. One of my favourites memories is the night of our first date, the night we spent at the pool fooling around. I will never forget the way you were laughing when I first tickled you and then threw you into the water and the way we almost kissed (btw, I will never forgive Seth for that). There are so many more precious memories that I could easily fill thousands of pages describing them. But you were there with me, so I'll stop talking about them for now.

Anyway, I moved back into the poolhouse. Maybe that'll make things easier for the Cohens when I'm gone. The first step on the way to reuniting with you is done: I met your mom on the cementary (and I can't even describe how much it hurt me to read your name on that damn stone, I felt like it would tear my heart into a million pieces) and I got the file about Volchok. She asked me what had changed my mind and I told her that I just realized that it's something I have to do. And it is the last thing I have to do: I'll hunt him down. I couldn't protect you from him when you were with me now I'll make him pay.

Talk to you later, Ryan


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This one's about Ryan telling Marissa all that has happened in the second episode of Season 4. It's a short chapter. Please leave a review, I'm always happy to read them.

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**Chapter 3**

Dear Marissa,

Seth once again managed to drive me crazy. I went to Mexico to see Volchok. I couldn't help but think about the time we went to Tijuana. The whole trip I was trying to act as if I couldn't care less that you were mad at me but of course it bothered me as hell. But then the morning you were sleeping in my arms, I knew that it was the right thing, that it was exactly were I wanted you. I can still remember the worry I felt when we were looking for you after the Luke-debacle and I can still feel the fear of loosing you when we finally found you and I wasn't sure if you would make it. Back then, I was sure that I had never felt so miserable before and would probably never feel that bad again. Now I wish I would get that feeling back. Because back then, there was at least a slight chance of you surviving it. I know that after you had woken up it was a bit rocky to say the least but I cherish that memory because at least all of our fighting lead to our first kiss on the ferriswheel. I was scared as hell because of the height and nervous because of you and afraid that you'd still be mad at me. I can clearly remember my words. _"Look, I don't talk a lot about ... stuff and I really don't trust people. But I trust you and I wanna make it ... this...work no matter what." _And then you kissed me and every rational thought ceased to exist and I suddenly felt at ease again, even forgot about my fear of heights when I asked the operator for one more ride. I'll never forget your sweet laugh at my words before we went back to kissing. Somehow, you were able to make me feel safe and fearless and loved with just one look, just a hint of a touch or a simple smile. And those words I said to you back then were true. You were always the only I trusted the most and I wanted to make us work because when we were apart I always felt like there was a part of me missing.

So, back to the topic. (Somehow, I always start to drift up, don't I?). After I had the information about the place Volchok was working at, I went to Mexiko and although I tried to stop him, Seth came with me (you know him, I couldn't stop him). Maybe I shouldn't have told him what I want to do with Volchok because he took the first chance to call Sandy. He lied to me, telling me that he called Summer but I'm not stupid. When I realized who he was talking to, I took his cellphone away. But of course it was too late and I'm sure that Sandy and Kirsten instantly got into the car and made their way to Mexico. But I didn't knew that when I went out to look for Volchok and I even managed to get rid of Seth. But I had no luck. I couldn't find that bastard anywhere, he wasn't working at the bar anymore. Seth on the other hand apparently had more luck because when I came back to the hotel room he gave me an adress of Volchok. I had to promise him that I wouldn't hurt Volchok though and just like he had lied to me because of him calling Sandy, I lied to him now and to tell the truth, I didn't care. Of course I instantly left the room to finally seek out Volchok but Seth had lied to me again and had given me a fake adress. I'm not sure but I think that Seth talked to Volchok. When I came back Sandy and Kirsten had arrived and Seth and them were awaiting me to drag me back to Newport. I haven't talked to Seth since then. Even when he came to the poolhouse, trying to apologize. I can understand why he did it but why can't he just accept that I'm old enough to make my own decisions? It makes me so angry that Volchok was only a few metres away from me and that Seth ruined my chance to finally get him. Of course that can't really stop me but it makes me take more time to find him again. And that means that it'll take more time to finally be with you again. But I promise you, it won't take me so long anymore. I love you...

Good night, Ryan


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Here comes the next chapter. I wanted to have it up sooner but somehow life always got in the way. It's short and I don't really like it but I still hope that you do ;) I PROMISE to have the next part up tomorrow...

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**Chapter 4**

Dear Marissa,

you won't believe it but I finally found Volchok! Okay, I'll start from the beginning. Today is Thanksgiving and let's be realistic: there wasn't much to be thankful for. And as if things weren't worse enough before, suddenly Taylor Townsend was at the Cohen's. Apparently she had a problem but to tell the truth, I didn't care about it, that's why I can't tell you anything. Anyway, Kirsten told Seth and me to finally quit our fight and to go shopping for groceries. When we were at the supermarket we met your mom and she told me that Sandy knows about my plan to find Volchok and that I have to act as if I've given up. That's why I went over to Sandy's office to talk to him but he wasn't opening. And what did I have to see when I was just leaving the building? Sandy was driving away and next to him in the car was Volchok! You can imagine how furious I was and as soon as I could I talked to Sandy. I was sure that he would be Volchok's Lawyer but apparently Volchok has come back to Newport to turn himself in and has asked Sandy for help.

I was looking everywhere for Volchok but I couldn't find him . But then Sandy came and gave me a ride to the hotel where Volchok was staying and I promised him to not kill Volchok although at that moment I was sure that I would do it. And I almost did! I hit him over and over again and when I had nearly done it he suddenly asked me to finally kill him because then everything would be over. And I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want him to get out of it so easily. He was talking about that fateful night and he told me that he can't forget the crash either and that he wishes he could take it back. And that he was jealous because you had broken up with him (you can make every man crazy, can't you?) and were with me. And that's why he caused the crash, that's why you had to die! In the end the police came and Volchok got arrested and I hope that he'll rot in prison forever...

The perfect ending for that day was your mom coming to the poolhouse and asking me to tell her everything about you. I told her about our first meetng at the bottom of the Cohen's Driveway and how I thought that you was hot, really hot. It made me smile and her, too. It made me happy to share my memories about you with her and that meant so much more to me than she knew at that moment. This way I shared the precious moments I was allowed to have with you with your mom and maybe she'll remember what I told her tonight from time to time. I have done everything I wanted to do and now it's time for me to come to you. I have to stop writing now because I'll have to write letters for the Cohen's and for Summer and your mom to try to explain my decision but we'll see each other soon.

Can't wait to kiss you again, Ryan


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Dear Summer,

I know that you'll probably be shocked about what I did but I can't live without Marissa. I'm so glad that you were my friend and I hope that you'll take care of Seth from now on. He'll need you and I know that you need him because you have lost your best friend that fateful night. As I'm writing this I can't help but smile at the remembrance of the night we first met with you hitting on me. I didn't even realize until now what a good friend you have always been for me. I always just saw Seth's girlfriend and Marissa's best friend in you. But you've been so much more than that. We've been through so much since that first night I met you, but you've continually been by Marissa and mine's side. And I thank you for being there for Marissa during all the hard times, especially when I was the one to hurt her and cause her pain. I know you can understand the tremendous loss I am feeling right now as Marissa was a truly important person in your life. But you have Seth and your love is strong, you'll be okay with time. Me on the other hand, I cannot even imagine my life without Marissa and this why I have to do what I am going to do. I hope that you'll remember me from time to time and that thinking about the boy from Chino that fell head over heels in love with your best friend will make you smile then.

Ryan

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Dear Sandy,

I know that you may be disappoined of me now because in your eyes I'm probably kind of throwing my life away. I'm not sure if you ever really understood what Marissa really meant to me but just believe me that without her my life makes no sense anymore. Shortly after that night of the crash, I always though that as soon as I would've hunted Volchok down, I'd be free to mourn Marissa's death and then to move on with my life. But as time went on, I realized that nothing would ever change the fact that my life was empty the moment Marissa was gone. Because even when we were not together, I always had her by my side, you know? She wasn't just my girlfriend, she was my best friend as well, my other half. Even when we were not together and we were fighting as hell I always knew that she would be there for me no matter what. I know that everybody thinks of me as the strong one of us two. But let me tell you that you are wrong. Before I met you and Kirsten I was strong with my fists but that was all that was there. Marissa always gave me an inner strength that made my life so much better. She made me feel loved and safe. And after she wasn't with me anymore, I just had nothing left of that. All that was left was that shell of my former self and not even the guy I was before I met her was left to hold on to. I died with her in that car crash, it just took my wounds a while longer to bleed to death. I hope that one day you can understand that my decision has nothing to do with you and Kirsten and Seth. You will always be my family and before I met you I had no life, no dreams, nothing. I'll always be thankful for that. Take care of yourself and make sure that the others are okay.

Your son, Ryan

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Dear Seth,

I know that you probably are angry as hell at me but I hope that you can forgive me some day. Please don't feel like I'm leaving you alone. You were always kind of hiding behind me, confident that you can't make it on your own. That's definitely not true. I KNOW that you could make it alone, but you won't have to. You have Summer to take care of you and your parents. I know that you probably don't understand why I'm doing this but I just can't live like this. Living without Marissa for the last 6 months has been pure hell for me and don't think that you could've changed my decision because you couldn't. I also know that you prevented me from going after Volchok because you were afraid that I could kill him and ruin my life. I'm not mad at you for stopping me anymore and I'm sorry for not talking to you back then. But there was nothing left of my life anyway. I know that you already have mapped out your future (maybe only in your head but I'm sure that you have) and I'm sure that it's with Summer. Maybe that makes it easier for you to understand, because even when I wasn't talking about it for me it was always clear that Marissa would be by my side. Volchok took that future away from me and I feel lifeless and empty now. Oh, and please don't run away like the time I had to leave with Theresa. You have to take care of your parents and of Summer and Julie and Kaitlyn now. I'm glad that I got you as my brother.

Ryan

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Dear Mom,

I only called you Mom once but that is what you are for me and I think that it's time to tell you that. Please don't be sad. I know that I'm probably breaking your heart but maybe you are the only one that can understand why I have to do this. When you took me in, my life changed and I finally had a home and a family and most important a real mother. I kow that I'm not really good with words and I have never told you this but I hope that you know that I love you. I always had that picture in my mind. Marissa and I married with kids (in my imagination it have been a little girl and a little boy) and we're at your house, celebrating christmas with you and Sandy and Seth and Summer. Of course I would've never told anyone about that but that's how it should've been. I always wanted for Marissa and I to someday have a marriage like you and Sandy. And all of that came crashing down around me the night she died in my arms. She made me complete and now I have nothing left. I know that everybody thought that she was the weak one of us but that's so far from the truth. She made me strong and when I saw her smiling at me with that smile that was reserved just for me I always felt that THAT is the reason why I got the second chance in life, that the way she still made my heart flutter as soon as I laid my eyes on her was the most important thing in life. You are the ones that taught me how to love and I'll always be thankful for that and for everything you have given me. I just can't stand the thought of living without her and that's why I have to go to be with her again. I hope that you can someday understand that and can think about me without being sad or mad at me, knowing that I'm exactly where I want and need to be.

Be sure that I will always look after you, Ryan

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Dear Julie,

if somebody would've told me one year ago that I would one day write you a letter –let alone one where I'm calling you Dear Julie- I would've probably laughed out loud. And if anybody would've told you one year ago that you would call me one day just to talk to me, you would've probably laughed, too. It's weird how fast things can change. One damn night and you were the only one I wanted to talk to. One damn night and both our lifes are changed forever. I know that you never believed in my love for Marissa before that fateful night and maybe that was my fault because I never even told HER what I was feeling. Some way she knew that I loved her but I can understand now why you didn't see it before. I'm positive that by now you know that I have always loved your daughter and always will. I had to lose her to understand how much I had missed out on. I'm happy that I could share my memories about Marissa and our relationship with you because this way maybe you'll remember some things I told you tonight from time to time and smile about them, keeping them in your heart and this way keeping your daughter alive forever. The reason for my decision is that I HAVE to be with her. I know that it sounds weird coming from me, the boy who everybody thought to be strong and the one saving Marissa time and time again. The truth is that she saved me. She was the one that gave me my inner strenght, my courage, my hope and my faith that maybe there'll be a better future for me. Well, there is one even if it's different from the one I had planned for me and Marissa. But at least now nothing can seperate us ever again. Now I can take care for her, Marissa won't be alone anymore. I hope that knowing that gives you the strenght to move on because you have to do so for your sake and for Kaitlyn's sake. Just look up from time to time and know that we'll always be there to look after you...

Ryan

**A/N: So, that was the last chapter of that story. At first I wanted to post every letter as a chapter but I didn't want to make you wait longer. What do you think?**


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